Nardwuar Anxiously Awaiting Human Serviette of the Year Nominee Announcements

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Journalist and musician Nardwuar is nervously awaiting the nominations for the upcoming Servie Awards, friends close to the interviewer confirmed.

“He hasn’t slept in days,” Nardwuar’s roommate Maltweez, another human serviette, said. “He hasn’t been squirrelly or fidgety at all, or even talked rapidly about obscurities. I’m beginning to worry he might be taking this award too seriously.”

The academy orchestrating the ceremony, honoring notable human serviettes, will release the list of nominees at the end of the week. Nardwuar has been nominated 27 times, winning 23.

“There are some really strong contenders this year,” Nardwuar said. “There’s Vabataub, a Human Resources person in Winnipeg who used Sir Mix-a-Lot deep cuts to end an office dispute. And did you know there’s a lady named Nutmobazzle who’s nominated? She’s a sanitation worker in Quebec City who forces her coworkers to hum the Star Wars Cantina theme with her.”

Grangbown, an Edmonton-based executive who heads the academy, elaborated on the nominees while playing Hip Flip with Legislative Assembly member Richard Gotfried.

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“You’ve got Blamdoy, the hard-boiled detective out of Montreal,” Grangbown said, wearing his trademark checkered fedora. “He solved a murder case based on the killer’s enthusiasm for Peter Gabriel B-sides. And then there’s Yamp, an irresistibly handsome and suave Casanova, with his reputation for riding his paisley motorcycle from town to town, wooing fine ladies by asking them nonsensical questions in a high, abrasive intonation.”

Nardwuar, normally known for his generosity and enthusiasm towards other artists, was even bitter towards previous nominees.

“I was devastated last year when Goopord won — especially since Goopord once played in this band…” Nardwuar said from a downtown Vancouver record store, fumbling through several records in his arms before displaying an old vinyl album cover featuring his rival as a teenager. “He’s a solid musician. I just don’t know if he deserved to win the…” Nardwuar trailed off, shoving his microphone in a clerk’s face until the clerk hesitantly said, “award?”

As of press time, Nardwuar encountered another human serviette on his bus ride home. The two remained frozen, pointing microphones at each other and grinning, for three hours.

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Article and photo by Nate Waggoner @NathanielWagg.


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