Millennial Sociopath Completely Devoid of Emojis

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 26-year-old Marcus Quinn, giving the appearance of a normal Millennial man on the surface, is completely incapable of expressing emojis, confirmed horrified sources who digitally crossed his path.

“He once texted me asking if I could cover a shift,” recalled former co-worker Craig Stern. “I said I would, and he replied, ‘I appreciate that, thanks.’ Everything was grammatically correct, with no smiley emoticon. Nothing. At least hit me with the prayer hands, you creep.”

Quinn has reportedly been unable to make lasting connections with other humans, thanks to his condition.

“Our relationship was so full of toxicity and gaslighting, it almost feels like it happened to someone else,” said Rachel Keetch, Quinn’s former girlfriend of nearly six months. “Marcus puts up a perfect front — he was always great to my parents, he was always great to me. But the entire time we were together, he never texted me a single heart. Not so much as one kissy face. Fucking bastard.”

Dr. Miguel Alvarez, a psychologist specializing in youth devoid of emojion, shed light on Quinn’s ability to hide in plain sight.

“The emoji-less psychopath is a cunning animal. They learn to blend in quickly. They have all the same facial expressions, perfectly respond to social cues… they even have the same feelings as the rest of us,” said Dr. Alvarez. “It isn’t until building a text-based correspondence with the subject that the victim realizes they’ve grown close to a monster who can’t even send the fire emoji when you say something hilarious about someone.”

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Alvarez posited that while sociopaths can express basic emojis, such as a smiley face or an angry poo, stunted maturity prevents them from ever developing more complex feelings like love eyes, or a pizza slice.

Those who knew Quinn early in life say his abnormalities have been apparent since his youth. “He used to read books.” said former classmate Jessie Paige. “That’s how he thought he could blend in: books. He was completely out of touch.”

Even members of Quinn’s own family admitted they don’t trust him.

“He once told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with work,” said Quinn’s eldest brother, Tim. “Same day, buddy of mine spots him volunteering at a soup kitchen. He’s my brother; I love him… but to keep it 100, you can’t trust the guy,” he said, tears welling in his eyes. “You just can’t.”

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Article by Dan Rice @DanRiceComedy.


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