Reeking of dark energy and with a skin tone I can only describe as “Libertarian,” Michael Rappaport has unfortunately made a resurgence in the past few years. Whether you hate him from a brain-melting manosphere podcast, one of his social media rants on Israel, or simply saw 30 seconds of him on The Traitors, we can all agree the man should be stripped of his rights and autonomy. Let’s get right into it. Here are 9 dogs I genuinely think should have more rights than Michael Rapaport:
1. My dog: Let’s start with the basics. A perfect mix of chihuahua and Jack Russell Terrier. She has one eye and two extra toes. She also has object permanence, which I will not speak further on nor accept comments about. The point here is, she’s a gorgeous and profoundly smart girl. Michael Rapaport is, at best, a disgusting & demonic zionist. You tell me who you’d rather allow to vote in the next election.
2. Aloka, The North Carolina Peace Dog: She belongs to a group of Buddhist Monks. Need I say more?
3. Wasabi: A Pekingese who won the 2021 Westminster Dog Show. That is what peak manhood should look like. Smart as a whipper snapper and a performer in all senses of the word, Wasabi could woo even the grumpiest of characters. Let’s just say, he could do Deep Blue Sea, but Michael Rappaport could never do Westminster.
4. Balto (Posthumous): Balto did more with one paw in one week than Michael Rapaport has done with his whole body his entire life. That’s all.
5. Glen Powell’s Dog, Brisket: Hear me out. Yes, Glen Powell strongly resembles a capybara, and sometimes that can be scary. As untrue as it sounds, he is not a capybara demon, and he cannot hurt you. He is, though, the owner of a beautiful little mutt that looks like a miniature Falkor from Never Ending Story. Michael Rappaport looks like a miniature giant that, when it shrunk down to human size, its skin didn’t quite land right, and sometimes it’s like he has a mask on. That’s even scarier than a capybara-man hybrid.
6. Huntsville’s Famous Cosmo: Instead of turning to Puxatawney Phil for all the answers, Huntsville, Alabama, residents rely on Cosmo to predict the weather forecast for the weeks ahead via 2 dog bowls. He’s a pillar of the community and has been serving in his role for almost 5 years. Michael Rappaport is a pillar — A pillar of smoke that goes up the ass of homophobic zionist nut jobs just so he can stay relevant.
7. Gromit: I told myself I wouldn’t do cartoon dogs. It’s sort of an unfair comparison…but life is unfair. Isn’t it, Michael Rapaport? To be completely honest, the fact that Gromit isn’t on a coin, but Rapaport is on the Traitors, is proof that the equilibrium of light and dark within our universe is off kilter.
8. Bluey: Bluey doesn’t count as a cartoon because he is also a mover and a shaker. An activist in the form of a cartoon dog, if you will. I think if you said the word ‘activism’ to Michael Rapaport on the right day, he would just hemorrhage and bleed out internally. Or at least, here’s hoping!
9. This random chihuahua my friend sent me a video of on Instagram reels: No, I don’t know its government name. That doesn’t stop me from knowing that the world would be a safer place if said dog had the right to carry rather than Michael Rappaport.
