SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Intensive care nurse Harper Schlader was reportedly asking any of her patients currently in the ICU if they wanted to play a…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the…
ITHACA, N.Y. — Tenants of a local punk house solved their issue of not having a working doorbell by smashing a huge hole into the…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type…
CHICAGO — A new sleep study released today by DIY Labs confirmed that your current level of inebriation is woefully inadequate for a punk’s night’s…
MINNEAPOLIS — Baxter Lenin, guitarist for Ketamine Chainsaw, recently received a “pre-denial offer” in the mail from Capital One, confirmed sources. “My first thought after…
PITTSBURGH — A punk-themed YouTube show called “Huff Ones” where guests inhale volatile substances is gaining popularity despite warnings from health officials, according to sources.…
PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that…
LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit reality dating show “Love Island” announced a punk spin-off titled “Promiscuous Warehouse,” confirmed sources. “Mario Lopez’s assistant…
PORTLAND, Ore. — A time capsule that a local punk buried 25 years ago was recently unearthed and discovered to have been filled with nothing…
The holidays are a difficult time for many people, but especially for losers who no one loves or even thinks about. For a lot of…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The group of gutter punks that loiters near 5th and Huron employs many invented terms for states of impoverishment, sources hurrying…
CANTON, Conn. — A local canine owner was stunned to see that his neighborhood’s dog park was completely overrun by opossums owned by dedicated members…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Current occupants of notorious punk house Shitshow Chateau revealed that their resident pitbull Hammer is the only inhabitant that has not bitten…
CULVER CITY, Calif. — “Wheel of Fortune” contestant and local punk Bruce Hughes inadvertently challenged the game rules after asking to bum a vowel, exasperated…