BOSTON — Philosophy major Patrick Cartelli returned yesterday from three months studying abroad in London with several new mannerisms, including an insistence on spelling “poser”…
DENVER — Local marijuana enthusiast Toby Strickland is “pretty sure” he is the first to invent CBD-infused marijuana, which he believes is an opportunity to…
WASHINGTON — An increasing number of Americans are relying on monetized Youtube covers of Toto’s “Africa” to make ends meet despite record-low unemployment and unprecedented…
GENEVA — A recent report from leading vegan scientists indicates the limited supply of dairy milk alternative Oatly could lead to increased international tension, eventually…
Dear Scabby: I’m really embarrassed to admit this…but I just shat a bunch of skittles out of my womanly parts. I haven’t eaten skittles in…
AUSTIN, Texas. — Local punk Rachel Ronson inadvertently removed both of her legs just below the knee last night while cutting her pair of black…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Lt. Dale Sherman was reportedly “completely bummed” to be on surveillance detail last weekend at the annual DIY, folk-punk Crust Fest, bemused…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A small, unorganized local collection of punks, transients, and drug addicts with minimal artistic ability and motivation keep referring to themselves as…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A four-year-old golden retriever named Sadie is far and away the most productive member of local punk house, exasperated neighbors confirmed.…
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Seminal crust punk band Leftöver Crack canceled their upcoming Midwestern tour today when drummer Donny Morris missed the freight train door…
DETROIT — Avid cannabis consumer Jake Sweeney exploded in rage today after finding a seed in his marijuana for the first time in over three…
LOS ANGELES — The International Committee for Problematic Favorites announced today that die-hard defenders of Morrissey have won the 2019 gold medal in mental gymnastics,…














