PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of Ouija board players were visited by a punk member of the ether last night, who communicated that it was…
MILWAUKEE — 32-year-old punk Omar Neihoff made a New Year’s resolution last night to attend at least one show before the end of this calendar…
CHICAGO — Local small-batch chocolate maker Wayne Barnes, concerned that Detroit will complete an economic recovery before he can relocate there, launched a fundraising effort…
EL PASO, Texas — Baby New Year, the mythical personification of hope and change, was detained at the Mexican/American border by ICE agents late last…
OMAHA, Neb. — Newly hired sound guy David Murphy was “not about to take fucking notes from some bullshit guitarist” last Friday night when sound-checking…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A trash can located on the corner of Church and Spring St. gained sentience late last night due to a poorly…
DAYTON, Ohio — The drummer of local punk band Vulture Attack took a “confusingly inappropriate” amount of time last night to set up his minimalist…
SAN ANTONIO — Local concertgoer Tim Flinanski is two tandem stage dives away from certification for solo dives in accordance with recently enacted safety precautions,…
WASHINGTON — Scientists researching the life expectancy of punks now claim that the first punk to live a full 65 years has likely already been…
BETHLEHEM — A local show billed as “The Most Important Event in Human History” reportedly ended as a “total fucking bust,” thanks to a confusing…
NORTH POLE — Jolly Old Saint Nicholas admitted he was slightly irritated last week when his workshop was flooded by letters imploring him to visit…
NORTH POLE — Santa Claus shocked Christmas enthusiasts worldwide today by launching a Patreon campaign to fund his 2018 world tour, setting off speculation about…
ROCKFORD, Ill. — Chicago punk Robbie Kaplan called attendees of last weekend’s Levin-Brady wedding ‘whiny posers’ and ‘crybabies’ as he was forcibly removed for repeated…
ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker,…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — Local resident Paul Weber’s latest resolution to live healthier and save the environment lasted approximately 26 minutes this morning, covering a…














