CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to…
WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!”…
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in…
It’s been another tough week. You’re technically seven days older, though given the current stress of our political and economic climate, scientifically speaking, you have…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who…
WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in…
GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s…
In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending the entire day celebrating the…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corbin Stefanski’s weakening urine stream is severely limiting his ability to clean his toilet, according to several sources familiar with…
Spring is in full swing, and for the few days that aren’t ravaged by devastating storms or wild temperature fluctuations, it’s been amazing. Still, you’ve…
LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in…
CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over the exclusion of a reunion set from beloved ska-punk band Operation Ivy during the…
SEATTLE — Punk web designer Priscilla Prange published a new Chrome extension that stops Google from asking if you want to kill yourself every time…
There is a lot going on in the world right now, but there is one issue that I think people need to be focusing on…
PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local mother Linda Varst reminded her drummer son to pack an extra pillow and blanket in his bass drum before he…