KETTERING, Ohio — Ex-Screamo Frontman Buster Krull was once again reminded that he did not have to lodge his entire headset into his mouth to…
YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal…
George Constanza Pretends to Be in Architects
NEW YORK — Local unemployed man George Costanza attempted to impress colleagues by pretending to be a member of metalcore band Architects while out to…
Ghost of Christmas Past Shows Man His Faux Hawk Phase
SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Notorious asshole Bill Finley was kidnapped in the middle of the night by a disembodied paranormal entity and taken on an…
Nice! One Guitar Is Doing the Chugging Part and One Is Doing the High Pitch Riff Thing!
Aw hells yeah! That thing I love about metalcore is happening again! It started off with a couple light strums to get me all primed…
Hundreds of Metalcore Bands Scatter When Attendant Shines Flashlight Into Abandoned Industrial Building
LANCASTER, Pa. — Hundreds of metalcore bands were seen scurrying off in different directions in a local factory late yesterday evening after night watchman Bill…
Warped Tour Accused of Luring Teen Girls to Field and Performing Horrible Acts in Front of Them
SANTA FE SPRINGS, Calif. — Hundreds of concertgoers came forward this week, accusing the famed Warped Tour festival of enticing them to a litter-strewn field…
Dad’s Band Still on PureVolume
MARLBORO, N.J. — Siblings Liam and Jenna Fry were stunned last night to find that their father’s old band, A Jet Black Static, still had…
Metalcore Band Could Become SoundCloud Rappers at Any Moment
CINCINNATI — Metalcore stalwarts Agony of Death are closing in on a band agreement that could lead to their first foray into SoundCloud rap, according…
Killswitch Engage Guitarist Wins Better Band on The Price is Right
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — After being called down to the contestant’s row, Killswitch Engage guitarist Adam Dutkiewicz won big during yesterday’s episode of The Price is…