ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around,…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type…
DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local Submissive Seventh fan and total dweeb Derek Maldonado reportedly threw away any remaining ounce of self-respect he had after asking the…
MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according…
HOUSTON — Local conservative Kyle Edwards found himself hoping female-centric music festival Lilith Fair is revived so he can complain about it, sources report. “I…
WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life,…
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the…
NEW YORK — Total loser Jay Draboll plans to spend his entire New Year’s Eve partying with friends in what will be deemed an unforgettable…
Are you ready to be devastated by the ravages of time? I mean just completely gutted, like looking at the palms of your hands and…
NEW YORK — Local 36-year-old loser Ryan Buttermyer reportedly maintained a heroic ten-minute wait period before confirming he’d be at a party, despite having absolutely…
HOUSTON — Local Make-A-Wish kid Harvey Larkin, who has a rare degenerative disease that will certainly put an end to his short, unfulfilled life, realized…
SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Overconfident white guy Randall Weiss, who frequently proclaims his “life is a movie,” is reportedly ignorant to the fact that said…
BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed…
Hey, look at this crowd of people outside the venue next to the band’s idling tour bus. It’s been more than half an hour since…