One was a massively corrupt political party dragging the country into authoritarian oligarchy through lies, xenophobia, and secret police. The other, a Democratic senator, fresh…
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources. “I…
WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions…
Ah, the Fourth of July: the day we celebrate George Washington conquering thousands of commies back in biblical times to win our God-given freedom to…
SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout,…
HULL, U.K. — Extreme metal provocateurs Infant Annihilator are changing their name in an effort to minimize any association with the State of Israel and…
Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as…
MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according…
CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase…
Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks…
LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have…
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Polyamorous woman Leanne Farina is experiencing the struggle of finding a different group chat in which to bitch about each of…
Meet 56-year-old Don Harlow of Milford, Connecticut. In the wake of his divorce, Harlow has found solace in dating 20-year-old Jenna Fairmont. As his marriage…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d…
WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of…