SAINT LOUIS — Local Guitar Center sales associate Frank Helms stunned colleagues after discovering you in the Fender section of the store and announcing that…
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local crust punk Lou “Canker Sore” Schultz revised his bucket list to include getting a disease named after him in an…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Local man Jeremy Collins’ recent trip to the beach became an impromptu moment of self-discovery and reflection while sitting down to…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Overly careful punk Jimmy Reynolds patiently waited 30 minutes after eating a full meal before stage diving into an active pit, sources…
WASHINGTON — Representatives from the Capitol Police force requested funding for urgent mental health care for all the officers who responded to today’s presentation from…
AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform…
APPLETON, Wis. — Teenage prodigy Shari Ford is being hailed as the next great bassist after mastering the electric bass guitar 16 minutes into her…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local man Jeff Beeswick reportedly can’t decide whether to pronounce foreign words like some sort of pompous asshole or an uncultured idiot…
KINGSTON, Jamaica — Reggae singer and exonerated philanderer Shaggy released a tell-all book recently titled “If It Was Me, Here’s How It Happened,” in response…
AUSTIN, Texas — A metronome at Austin’s Northside Music Academy doesn’t know what more it can do to show the idiot using it, Kyle Tulridge,…
IOWA CITY, Iowa — Promoters at a recent local show agreed that they would bump the door fee up three dollars for any individual who…
LOS ANGELES — Highly distinguished drummer and body art curator Travis Barker recently admitted that he spends a good few hours every morning painstakingly reapplying…
LONDON — Virtuoso violinist Hans Kriegsman came to the difficult realization that he plays in a glorified cover band while performing Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A freegan crust punk was left horrified and repulsed after discovering where the food in the dumpster behind his local Burger King…
PURCHASE, N.Y. — Local woman Elle Rice winced this morning while waiting for her black coffee refill as the song “Fade Into You” by Mazzy…