WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he…
WASHINGTON — The United States government is expected to announce a second relief package soon, one that will reportedly include provisions for the upcoming $70…
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the store’s mandatory mask policy to…
LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire body, matching the label’s trademark…
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans today to “Shut the fuck up for one goddamn second while we’re trying to…
BOISE, Idaho — Local bored woman Mona Trevino has quietly re-followed all of the messy, oversharing friends on Facebook she previously unfollowed after exhausting every…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — AMC has announced a tentative plan to reopen most of its theaters nationwide long enough to screen the first half of…
CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual…
BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show last night thanks to a…
MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she gave herself around 2:45 a.m.…
CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Cordova has already spent her non-existent, second potential $1200 government stimulus check after hearing that more economic relief money may…
NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order to keep busy while waiting…
Friend Celebrating Birthday at Home in Quarantine Still Manages to Start Drunken Fight and Lose Shoe
Friend Celebrating Birthday at Home in Quarantine Still Manages to Start Drunken Fight and Lose Shoe
MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Local woman Frankie Landis exceeded all her previous birthday expectations by somehow still managing to start a drunken fight and lose her…
DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons, is actually a “total pussy”…