Once upon a time there was a game called Final Fantasy VII Remake. I booted up the game and saw on the start menu there…
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YONKERS, N.Y. — 83-year-old Judith Swanson tragically passed away last night at New York Presbyterian Hospital due to complications from a lethal hoax perpetrated by…
LODI, N.J. — After consistently failing the same mission over and over, local gamer Josh Chung declared that unintuitive controls were to blame for his…
PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the A-button through all of his…
CHICAGO — 28-year-old aging punk Johnny “Ratfuck” Pitzki has entered the “I don’t even really listen to punk anymore” phase of his life, complete with…
HOUSTON — Veteran obstetrician Brian Lein spent upwards of 10 minutes yesterday indifferently tugging on a patient’s newborn in an attempt to untangle the rat’s…
The other day while walking through the toy section at Target, I saw a little plush toy of the iconic Super Mario. I love Mario,…
It’s that time of the day. You must distract yourself from the momentary mundaneness of a simple chore. That garbage bag filled to the brim…
FAIRHOPE, Ala. — A badly faded tattoo bearing a barbed wire design aided local investigators in identifying a recently deceased woman as “probably about 19-years-old…
WASHINGTON — Climate scientists unveiled their findings today that the Earth’s temperature is rising because some dude named Jeremy has made consecutive shots while playing…
LONDON — World-famous primatologist Dame Jane Goodall announced today that, after 60 years of studying chimpanzees in their native habitat, she has found that broiling…
I’m a dedicated father, husband, son, and, thank my lucky stars, I’m even still a grandson! Boy howdy, I love each and every member of…
The world is changing too rapidly. Between advances in culture and technology, some of us can’t keep up and many people are simply refusing to…
Fuck, Marry, Kill. The three paths to a complete life. Accomplishing any of these three feats before you die is noteworthy. But for David Childs,…
OMAHA, Neb. — Local personal trainer Chance “Hard Knock” Turner has been seen tearing across town in defiance of myriad traffic laws, solidifying his reputation…
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