WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction…
HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated. “I can’t help…
Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he…
LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it…
NEW YORK — Executives at top corporate media properties Fox News and CNN promised that all of their journalists will remain safe from targeted assassinations…
SALEM, Ore. — Local scientists at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) warned this week that flushing unused and expired SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds,…
My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my placenta-soaked eyes, looked up at…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the…
There’s a new kid in town. 3I/ATLAS – an interstellar object that many ‘scientists’ are calling a ‘comet’ – has just recently entered our galactic…
SOUTHPORT, N.C. — A veteran Southport slasher slash longshoreman is “beyond embarrassed” after botching the timeline in a series of threatening missives mailed to local…
You know what’s truly pathetic? The crowds of trust-fund influencers desperately trying to get a bartender’s attention, only to drop fifteen bucks (plus tip) on…
WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more…
Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended
Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended
SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended,…
Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of in this life. We all tell little white lies to get by, don’t we? Smile and…
LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report. “I haven’t…