Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’
LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources…
Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K
Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane
LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Five Finger Death Punch Slated To Play University of Phoenix Commencement Ceremony
PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this year’s commencement ceremony at the University of Phoenix, sources report. “Five Finger Death Punch really embodies the spirit of this institution, so it’s an absolute…
Incel Guitarist Doesn’t Believe G Chord Exists
GALLATIN, Tenn. — Local 23-year-old guitarist Brandon Hanish stunned his bandmates this week when he…
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with…
Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times
ORLANDO, Fla. — Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead…
Summer Festival Lineups Announced as if Society Will Still Be Functioning in Five Months
LOS ANGELES — Event coordinators have continued to announce and actively promote the lineups for…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…