Trump Promises To End Iran War on Day One of Third Term
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decisively announced that he will be ending the conflict in Iran on the first day of his third term in office, after months of frequently changing timelines, confirmed sources. "The losers in the fake …
Mountain Goats Release Album About Mountain Goats Albums
HURLEY, N.Y. — In the latest of a long string of niche concept albums exploring various cultural microcosms, The Mountain Goats have released a new… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Five Movie Roles Tim Allen Didn’t Get Because of Cancel Culture and Also Because He Fucking Sucks at Acting
Hospital Billing Department Determined To Keep Battling Patient Long After Cancer Has Given Up
HOUSTON — Memorial Heights Hospital billing director Karen Williams confirmed Monday that she and her team remain determined to battling a former patient long after… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Viral Looksmaxxing Tutorial Just Pirated Copy of “The Ugly Stepsister”
TIKTOK — Internet sleuths have determined that a currently viral TikTok video claiming to be a how-to guide for the growing “looksmaxxing” movement is, in… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Rebel Without a Cause Clearly Not Looking Very Hard
Sociologists Confirm: Midday Coffee Best First Date For People Who Love Shitting and Panicking
SEATTLE — Sociologists at the University of Washington confirmed that midday coffee is the best first date for people who can’t get enough of shitting… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Dying Fetus Album Features World's First ‘Prenatal Advisory’ Warning
GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus's 2023 album “Make Them Beg for Death” will feature a "Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Content" warning, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced. "We have…
Aging B-Boy Has Groove in the Heart, Kidneys, Lymphatic System
DISCO, Wisc. — Renowned b-boy and breakdancer Derrick Emu stunned Deee-Lite fans by revealing the…
Looksmaxxing Metalhead Purposely Fractures His Cranial Bones To Reshape Skullet
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Metalhead and self-proclaimed looksmaxxer Owen Reynolds used a hammer to break several…
The Sphere to Use Cutting-Edge Technology to Help No Doubt Fans Forget Who Gwen Stefani Likely Voted For
LAS VEGAS — Engineers at the Sphere in Las Vegas are reportedly using state-of-the-art technology…
Punk House Enters 28th Consecutive Month of ‘No Mow May’
HOUSTON — Residents of a local punk house have unconsciously participated in “No Mow May”…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…