Trust Fund Hipsters Return To Ancestral Coachella Grounds to Mate
INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this morning, thousands of first-day festival attendees were lucky enough to witness the annual migration of trust fund hipsters returning to their ancestral ground …
The Next Jello Biafra? High School Kid Juggles Jazz Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, and Side Project With the Melvins
When high school student Chad Toffy is not designing zines mocking his gym teacher for supporting ICE or distributing underground newspapers blasting Montesano High School… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Trump Threatens Cuba With US-Style Health Care
CVS Employee Who Unlocks Embarrassing Ointments Never Forgets a Face
LOS ANGELES — Martin Espinosa, a local CVS employee tasked with unlocking the store’s glass cases containing creams, ointments, and other topicals for the embarrassing… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
A Man of the World: This Guy Is Actually Open to a Short-Term Relationship
This declaration on a dating app translates to: “man willing to date someone temporarily.” The man in question is 33-year-old Scott Tolbert, who describes himself… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
McDonald’s Overhauls Deal Menu With $17 ‘Fuck You Burger’
Inspiring! This Non-Profit Raised 7 Billion Dollars for Temporary Sports Arenas During the Largest Homelessness Crisis in Modern History
Amidst the largest homeless crisis in modern day history, The International Olympic Committee was able to raise 7 billion dollars to bravely build temporary sports… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds 'Warmer' On Vinyl
ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al” Yankovic’s music sounds “warmer” on vinyl, sources confirmed. “There is no denying it, the only way to truly get the full Weird Al experience is…
Marky Ramone Announces Ramones Reunion Show With Hologram Joey Ramone, Hologram Johnny Ramone, Hologram Dee Dee Ramone
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, N.Y. — Ramones drummer Marky Ramone announced an upcoming reunion show that will…
Dave Mustaine Reveals He Only Gave His Life to Jesus Christ After Every Other Deity Rejected Him
LA MESA, Calif. — Megadeth frontman and born again Christian Dave Mustaine revealed that he…
Punk House Microwave Needs To Be Preheated
PORTLAND, Ore. — The Black Hole House of Portland reportedly contains a microwave which needs…
Report: ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ Sucks Too Hard To Worry About How Problematic It Is
BOSTON — While classic rock band Aerosmith’s hit 1987 single “Dude Looks Like a Lady”…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…