Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
DUBLIN, OH — After the surprise release of Wendy’s collaborative emo album, CEO Bob Wright announced that all store employees must undergo extensive mandatory training outlining the scene-defining feud between Brand New and Taking Back Sund…
Hard Times Left Out of White House Ban
Okay, this is honestly just weird. Frankly, we’re not sure how we got White House press passes to begin with; we filled for them as… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List
New AI So Realistic It Craves Death as Much as Workers It Replaced
SAN FRANCISCO — A newly debuted artificial intelligence from AI firm Misanthropic is already performing human work with sophistication previously believed impossible, confirmed sources. “Not… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
I Collect Physical Media To Maintain History and Also Because I Fucking Love Shelves
Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Scientists Reveal They’re Closer Than Ever To Discovering Whether the Black Crowes Are Classic Rock or Not
TROY, N.Y. — Scientists at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute revealed that they are closer than ever to discovering whether the Black Crowes are classic rock or not, sources reveal. “We are on the cusp of a true breakthrough,” lead scientist Cara…
Iggy Pop’s Merch Booth Doesn’t Sell T-Shirts
CHICAGO — The merch booth for Iggy Pop reportedly doesn’t sell t-shirts of the iconic…
Man Dies At 27 Despite Not Being Cool
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man Albert Olmsted passed away at the age of 27 despite…
Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Mescaline Hall of Fame announced Ween as this year's inductee, solidifying the…
Mick Jagger Assures Concerned Fans He’s Still Super Horny at 83
LONDON — The Rolling Stones’ venerable frontman insisted he’s as horny as ever during a…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…