Trump Reverses Stance on Epstein Files After Being Visited by Three Pedophile Ghosts
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is now urging republicans to vote for the release of the Epstein files, following a night of revelations in which he was visited by the ghosts of pedophilia’s past, present, and future, sources confirm. …
Metal Bassist with Throat Infection Promoted to Lead Singer
CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted after a particularly bad streptococcal infection transformed him into the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Kinky! Woman Asks Boyfriend To Talk About Male Loneliness Epidemic Until She Cums
Calling it her most confusing bedroom request to date, the boyfriend of a local woman reported that he was asked to keep talking about the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Fetterman Liberal Again After Second Fall
WASHINGTON — John Fetterman’s internal pendulum has reportedly shifted to far-left ideology following a second ambiguous health episode, according to sources close to the Senator…. <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
You Posers Don’t Even Care About Moo Deng Anymore
2025 has, without a doubt, been one of the bleakest years in a decade made up entirely of bleak years. Wars, tariffs, and celebrity deaths… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
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Music
Punk Air Guitarist Air Overdoses on Air Heroin
SARASOTA, Fla. — Beloved local air guitarist Lance DeStefano is recovering after overdosing on imaginary drugs backstage before a performance, according to concerned fans. “Most air guitarists play classic rock songs, but I’m one of the few who does punk.…
London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump…
Kid Buying Misfits Shirt to Fit In
POMONA, Calif. — Local kid Garrett Dehaven is buying a Misfits shirt in an attempt…
Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer
LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer…
Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day
BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…