Democrat Loses on Purpose To Write Memoir
MUNCIE, Ind. — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Wesley Ellison admitted to purposely phoning in his run for governor while writing a memoir reflecting on his loss, apathetic sources confirmed. “I didn’t put too much energy into my camp…
Opening Band Impresses Headliner With 45 Minutes of Meticulous Tuning
DENVER — Local math-ska band Honkzonga recently wasted theirs and everyone else’s time while trying to impress the headliner for a show they somehow conned… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Millennial Recounts Extinct Social Tradition Known as the ‘House Party’
I Was One of the Angst-Ridden Teens in the “Last Resort” Music Video, and You Will Address Me With the Respect I Deserve
What the fuck did you just say to me? I can’t believe your insolence, but I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time
Look, I’m no detective. I lack the intelligence, training, qualifications, and decency to perform such a job — much like an ICE agent — I’m… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
ICE Agent Returns Home to Hero’s Welcome From AI Girlfriend
Conservative Men Use Empty Melania Theaters for Grindr Hookups
WASHINGTON — Multiple D.C. area movie theaters say Republican members of Congress and congressional staffers have begun using empty screenings of “Melania,” a documentary about… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
It Unclear Whether Bluegrass Fan the Redneck Kind or the NPR Kind
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Bluegrass fan Kyle McCormick left everyone who encountered him at Preservation Pub unsure whether he was the redneck kind or the NPR kind, sources report. “Man, this code is impossible to crack,” said Jessica Brentner, who just…
Guy Whose Political Knowledge Is Exclusively From System of a Down Lyrics Better Informed Than 99% of People He Interacts With
TOPEKA, Kan. — Nu-metalhead Roger Antesburger found that his lifelong System of a Down fandom…
Bryan Adams Re-Records “Summer of ‘69” As “Summer of ‘67” to Connect With the Youth
ONTARIO, Canada — Canadian rock musician Bryan Adams re-recorded his hit song “Summer of ‘69”…
Just Because We’re a Metalcore Band Doesn’t Mean We’re From the Midwest, but Yeah, We’re Only Touring Iowa and Nebraska
I've always believed stereotypes, whether positive or negative, are reductive and paint a picture of…
Paul Simon’s ‘Kodachrome’ Voted Best Song on the ‘Coneheads’ Soundtrack for 32nd Year in a Row
NEW YORK — Online music magazine Pitchfork once again ranked Paul Simon’s 1973 hit “Kodachrome”…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…