Quiz: Cannibal Corpse Song Title or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub Search History?
Cannibal Corpse is an awesome death metal band from Buffalo, New York, that made a name for themselves in the nineties with their grotesque song lyrics and album art, while Stephen Miller is perhaps the most obvious sexual sadist who’s ever…
Guy Wearing T-Shirt With Blazer Probably Some Kind of Cool Creative Genius
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A local man who coupled a T-shirt with a blazer must be an absolute creative genius, according to passersby who marvelled… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Local Subway Celebrates 5th Anniversary, 2nd Customer
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
“I’m About To Be So Annoying” Announces Person Who Was Already Annoying
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It
Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”
BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Groupie Upgrades From Bassist to Merch Guy
SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep with metal band Former Oracles’ merch guy instead of their bassist, sources report. “Look, Sean was a nice guy and all, but it really wears…
Local Man Basically the Next Elvis if You Only Count the Abusing Adderall on the Toilet Part
PROVO, Utah — Local man Adam Kerman was excited to learn that he’s basically the…
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One…
Metallica Fans Now Choosing Between Fuel, Fire, and That Which They Desire Due to Trump Economy
BARSTOW, Calif. — Metallica fans across the nation are feeling the pinch of the Trump…
Venue Changes Name, Owner, Staff Mid-Show
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Attendees of a local punk show were left confused and disoriented after…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…