Chipotle Worker Shot After Impeding Ice Agent’s Investigation of Lunch
MINNEAPOLIS — Blake Clansmyn, an agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), allegedly shot a worker at Chipotle who impeded his investigation into lunch, sources report. “I walked into Chipotle and immediately initiated a…
Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan
BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
AI Enters Race for ‘Sexiest Person Alive’ Citing Data Centers So Hot They Literally Can Not Cool Down
Trump Claims Entire State of Minnesota Is Paid Actors
WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent protests and upheaval in the American Great Lakes region, President Trump claimed today that the entire population of… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons
PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources. “I… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh
MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Aging Rocker Caught Lip-Syncing Orgasm Noises
LAS VEGAS — Aging rock musician Dean John-Dean, vocalist for the 1970s one-hit wonder band Mustang Panther, was caught lip-syncing orgasm noises during a sexual encounter, sources reported. “I don’t know why people are so shocked. Do you really want…
Make-A-Wish Kid’s Request To Meet Queensrÿche’s Guitarist Clearly Influenced by Father
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — The Make-A-Wish request made by nine-year-old cancer patient Corey Sawyer to meet…
Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting
LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to…
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
LOS ANGELES — The Ronnie James Dio hologram created by digital holography production company Eyellusion…
Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect
SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…