There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the…
WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and…
Bullying’s an epidemic that’s poisoning society. Take it from someone who has, unfortunately, been a victim of this reprehensible behavior. Let me be clear —…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this…
WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction…
HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated. “I can’t help…
Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he…
LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it…
NEW YORK — Executives at top corporate media properties Fox News and CNN promised that all of their journalists will remain safe from targeted assassinations…
SALEM, Ore. — Local scientists at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) warned this week that flushing unused and expired SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds,…
My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my placenta-soaked eyes, looked up at…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the…
There’s a new kid in town. 3I/ATLAS – an interstellar object that many ‘scientists’ are calling a ‘comet’ – has just recently entered our galactic…
SOUTHPORT, N.C. — A veteran Southport slasher slash longshoreman is “beyond embarrassed” after botching the timeline in a series of threatening missives mailed to local…