CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the…
In a heartbreaking but all too common scene, a hardworking father adds a completely respectful amount of whiskey to his morning coffee in a mug…
WASHINGTON — The National Archives released an overwhelming collection of previously classified documents this morning proving that the moon landing from The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight,…
Fucked Up are a hardcore punk band formed in 2001 in Toronto, and the best hardcore punk band of the 21st Century. They have always…
Marriages can be so difficult that nearly 50% of them end in divorce. Because you and your spouse don’t want to become another depressing statistic,…
RAPID CITY, S.D. — Local punk venue The Pukebox has somehow invented the world’s first “no-ply” toilet paper as a courtesy to their guests, sources…
When we think about death metal, we think about the deep, growling vocals made synonymous with the subgenre by such figures as Aman Amarth’s Johan…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local deadbeat Griffin Carson adopted the stance of vinyl-only “audiophile” coinciding with his ex-girlfriend’s understandable decision to remove him from her Spotify…
While we may have tormented you all with Ska Week for several days straight, we at The Hard Times know what the people want, and…
Meet Lisa Bergeron, when her primary care physician told her the weekly recommended number of drinks for a woman her size was between five and…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed. “Every day…
You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes,…
FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for…
Lately it seems the world is increasingly full of self-righteous dickheads dropping subtle hints as to how I should live my life. Whether it be…
WASHINGTON — Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job…