WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources…
Mention Turnstile around a hardcore kid and you’ll get a range of reactions. Some offer calm, measured takes like, “Good for those guys. They deserve…
NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro…
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an…
Everybody is aware of John Mellencamp’s befuddling “suckin’ on chili dogs” line, so we sat down with the aging rocker to learn the real meaning…
SMITHFIELD, Ind. — A chart-blazing country pop song extolling the qualities of a small town spends most of its length bizarrely boasting about its high…
ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used…
Oh no, it happened again! Looks like your neighborhood crust punk got scared and scratched your kid after she got too close to his Marlboro…
BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening…
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the…
BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.…
BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the…
Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would…
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…