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Watching “Home Improvement” Reruns on a Saturday Night Is So Much Better than Going to Your Show in Every Conceivable Way

I saw your flyer. You know, the one for the show that’s three towns over with the vague set time that can be anywhere from eight to midnight. As great as it sounds to witness the same exact setlist I’ve seen several times when you frequently played at the club down the street from my apartment, I’ve found a better way to spend my Saturday night. I can buy an entire case of beer for the same price as the cover charge and a single drink, and be half in the bag while watching reruns of Home Improvement on Hulu before the opening act even loads in.

I get that you think branching out and taking your show to different locales is a great way to grow your band. Unfortunately for you, there’s only one band that I care about these days: K&B and the Boys, who frequently appear on Tool Time with their unique brand of industrial working class noise-rock.

Listen, I know that Home Improvement hasn’t been relevant for like 20 years but at least it’s contrived in a way that has charm. Why would I bother looking at a bunch of thirty-somethings attempting to coordinate outfits while trying to bring back shoegaze when Al Borland rocking a flannel is a sure thing every time? What’s more, Tim’s neighbor Wilson is the only guy who could truly pull off a bucket hat. It’s just embarrassing when hardcore kids try to emulate such an iconic look without imparting a bit of folksy wisdom.

Most importantly, I don’t care about your pedals and your gear. You keep talking my ear off about BOSS this, or MXR that. Seriously, what the hell is a Big Muff? That’s a cool Orange amp you’ve got and all, but I’m always gonna be repping the blue. That’s right, I’m a Binford man through and through, ARGGGH ARRRRGHH ARGGGGH!