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There Are Plenty of Good Cops, I Know Several From My Dog Fighting Ring

I’ve heard a lot of my fellow Americans question the moral compass and general decency of the fine men and women who serve in our great country’s police force. Well, I disagree. As a tax-paying, church-going, mother of two, and third-generation dogfighting ring owner and operator, I can tell to tell you that all the cops I’ve interacted with are real stand-up guys!

I’ll have you know, I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps to get my start in the dogfighting business. As an owner of a small business, I support limited federal government. That way, the out-of-touch politicians in Washington can’t tell me what I can or can’t do with my body, or my dog’s body, or the bodies of any dog that just didn’t want that W.

Even more than freedom itself, I support protecting that freedom. No matter the cost. For me, that cost is letting entry fees slide when Conor, Dylan, and Kyle are coming off a high from a long, skull-cracking day at the office. Sorry, I mean officers Murphy, Kelly, and O’Brien.

The police are a wonderful addition to my community! They always make sure what we’re doing is protected. Plus, they really know how to rile up a crowd. These are real Americans with real American values: a love for spending money, doing illegal shit from a position of power, and bloodsport. I cannot stress how valuable the police are to someone like me.

Your white kids and non-canine pets could not be safer under these boys’ watch and that’s all that matters to someone like me. We have an old, but true saying in the dogfighting world. “All Cops Are Dogfighters. And all dogfighters are good.”