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Sometimes I Worry That the Emptiness I Feel Can’t Be Filled With KISS Memorabilia

There comes a time in a man’s life in which he starts to wonder if he can ever truly be happy. No matter how much you have, sometimes that empty void creeps up on you. The feeling of loneliness is brutal and can happen to even the most prepared. Even with all the KISS memorabilia in the world to keep me company, sometimes I worry I will never be able to fill all this emptiness. Especially after Jill left and took the baby.

How could this have happened? I’m a happy man! So why do I feel so alone when I’m surrounded by what the Guinness Book of World Records Committee described as, “the single largest collection of memorabilia relating to hard-rock band KISS in private hands?” How can this house feel empty when there’s at least one full-size cardboard cutout of Ace Frehley in every single room? If the Spaceman can’t make this house a home, I have no idea what can.

It’s definitely not that there’s an emptiness inside me that’s been growing ever since I was a child. A cold, gnawing darkness that led me to be unable to truly ever accept love from those around me. A hole that I have come to believe is shaped like a replica of Mount Rushmore with the presidents rightfully replaced by the unofficial mayors of Detroit Rock City. But like I said, it’s definitely not that.

I’ve dedicated my life to KISS memorabilia. This whole house is a monument to them. The wall of replica bass guitars autographed by the one-and-only Gene Simmons that I’ve never learned to play. The refrigerator covered exclusively with KISS logo magnets. Even a nightlight in the baby’s room. And what has it got me? Fifteen different sterling silver KISS-branded rings that I barely wear. A cat bed shaped like Peter Criss’ face for a cat I don’t have. So many different KISS-themed marital aids, all ribbed for the pleasure of a wife who’s left me. All these tongue extenders. All for nothing.

Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe by trying to fill this emptiness inside with KISS mementos, I’ve only made the hole bigger. Maybe if I give it up, I could feel something more than a constant hunger for any piece of junk related to KISS, no matter how tangential. Maybe Jill would come back. Oh sweet, a Vinnie Vincent coaster set just popped up on eBay!