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Opinion: The People Who Bought Those Seats Aren’t Showing, We Should Totally Move Down

Hey man. Let me start by saying thanks for scoring these tickets. Seventy bucks, day of show on Stubhub? Nice! But listen, see those empty seats down there? We should totally move down. There’s no way those people are showing up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally happy with these seats and this pole doesn’t even really bother me. I can still see like 90 percent of the stage. They probably won’t even go in the middle area that much.

But look at those seats! They’re so perfect. Look how happy everyone down there is. If we could just get down there, oh my god, we’d be happy like they are!

Come on! It’s now or never! It’s 8:40 and the opening act is almost done, okay? There’s no way the people who have those seats are showing up. Who goes to a concert and skips the opening act? Nobody.

And even if they do show, who cares? What, are you worried about being humiliated when they check our tickets? Well, don’t be, okay, because I have a plan. Say they show up, here’s what we do: We look at our tickets and then we look at the seats. Then we look back at the tickets. And then I’ll say, “Pfft. Hm. Weird.” I’ve thought of every contingency!

Come on, dude. Those seats are just going waste. And we’re sitting here like a couple of morons in these terrible seats! I mean, they’re fine.

What are we waiting for? Don’t you want to be happy? Why are you like this? Can’t you see, this is our one chance!

Don’t do it for you, don’t do it for me. Do it for the band. You want them looking out and seeing those prime seats empty? How sad would that make them? You want them to be sad? I’ll tell you this: if we don’t move up, there’s no way they’re doing a second encore. They would think we as a crowd aren’t worth it, and you know what? They’d be right.

Oh okay, I see what this is about. You think we’re going to get caught and kicked out and banned from the arena. You think they’re going to post our pictures out front with big X’s through them and a sign that says “SEAT JUMPERS: DO NOT ADMIT.” Boy, you have some imagination. What are the chances that happens to us again? Nobody gets hit by lightning twice.

Stop being afraid to live! Seize the day! All we have is the moment and the moment is… Ok they showed up. Whatever, these seats are fine.