Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: If Santa Wants to Enter This Country He Needs to Use the Proper Channels

We have to tighten the borders in this country. And for once, I’m not talking about Mexico, or Alaska! No, this time I’m talking about our airspace. Our skies are at risk and have been since God knows when. Every year, our Great Country ™️ is infiltrated by the single greatest threat to democracy on God’s Green Earth ©️. Some of you know where I’m going with this. I’m talking about that commie Chris Cringle (no, I’m not spelling it with a K, this is America. His name is Chris).

Now before you get off thinking I hate Christmas, just know that for years my family has invested in Christmas and are a huge part of the reason Christmas has spread around the world like it has. But if we want to have Christmas, we must make sure it’s done The Right Way™️. We can’t let our love for Christmas blind us from the fact that this so-called “Santa Claus” has been entering this country illegally for decades. Possibly centuries! And I’m sorry, but if the guy can’t be bothered to go through the proper channels then I won’t trust him to bring anything into this country.

What exactly is he hiding in that big red sack anyway? Jolly old fella like him should have no problem submitting himself to a full background check. The very fact that he hasn’t already lends credence to my belief that he may have ties to MS-13 (you can read more about that at my personal blog Upper Middle).

When my grandfather came to this country he didn’t sneak in on a magical sleigh by cover of night. No, he came through Ellis Island with nothing in his pockets but a pair of bootstraps. He used those bootstraps to build an incredibly successful fracking corporation, which he passed down to my father, who will soon pass it on to me. That company now employees thousands of people, over a dozen of whom make a living wage!

I want to trust that this Santa character wants to do things the right way, but I’m not seeing a lot of evidence of it. Aside from the immigration thing, the guy’s basically made The Welfare State ®️a worldwide issue. But that’s a different article.

Cringle, if you’re reading this, do the the right thing. Apply for a visa. Submit yourself to the will of Uncle Sam. And if you’re clean, then be my guest to let the free market come down the chimney spreading Christmas cheer. If not, maybe it’s time for a Christmas Shutdown.