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If Your Pillows Aren’t Political, You’re Not Paying Attention

Like most Americans, I make all my bedding purchases based on my firmly held political beliefs. My bed frame is crafted from eco-friendly, sustainably sourced hardwood because I care about the future of our dying planet. My bamboo toothbrush is biodegradable and you better believe both my Jill Stein shower curtains are too.

So imagine my outrage when I found out my favorite, most softest pillow in the whole wide world was made by some right-wing insurrectionist with a hard-on for martial law. Wake up, people! If your pillows aren’t political, you’re clearly not paying attention to what’s really going on.

Before I even finished reading the tweet I learned this from, I had already tossed my MyPillow pillow directly into the garbage. Good riddance! I knew If I’d kept that pillow for even one more second, I’d be supporting pure, unconscionable evil. I can’t sleep! I toss and turn all night thinking about the $19.98 I gave to those monsters. Not having a pillow may also be a factor.

This monumental mishap got me wondering what other household products I own that oppose my politics and are therefore evil. I quickly ran to my kitchen, iPhone 12 Pro in hand, and began googling every food item in my pantry, which I built and decorated myself (thanks Home Depot and Hobby Lobby!).

When did I buy all this Goya and how did I miss that their CEO is a monster? I chucked my dozens of cans of black beans and chickpeas into the recycling bin. I also trashed the pack of Nathan’s Famous hot dogs I had sitting in my fridge from yesterday’s Walmart run. Donate? Never. I wouldn’t even subject my dog to those Trump-supporting meat sticks! They can rot in the dumpster with the alt-rats.

To calm my nerves, I drove to the nearby Equinox gym for some much-needed cardio. On my way back I stopped by CVS to pick up some prescriptions and bought a gorgeous-smelling perfume made by my favorite beauty brand, Estee Lauder, as a treat. I deserve it after this long day of aligning my consumerism with my morals.