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I Like My Relationships Like I Like My Tuning, Open D

I want my budding love life to be as exciting and effortless as my tuning of choice, open D. I’m thirsty for endless D, musically and sexually. Monogamy is for those nerds that are still playing in standard. Give me open relationships, open tuning, and an open mind, baby!

There is nothing hotter than someone who can rip a juicy riff across the infinite soundscape of open D, which is why I’ve dated pretty much everyone in my local music scene. The benefit of being polyamorous, pansexual, and a math rock phenomenon is that there is no limit to my music-making or my love-making.

Some have even called me the Thomas Middleditch of keeping threesomes alive in the noise rock community.

As a child of the early 2000s midwestern emo scene, I’ve been writing in open tunings since the birth of American Football. I love open D tuning for its endless opportunities to play arpeggiated melodies, somber chord progressions, and in various time signatures. My apologies if it sounds like I’m trying to impress you with my vast knowledge of open tunings, that’s only because I want to have sex with you.

Monogamous relationships are like standard tuning: too much work for too little reward. One time I dated a punk that wanted me to “support his experimental lofi project” and “listen to his demos.” What a loser! Miss me with that commitment shit. I’m just here to loop my twinkly shoegaze grooves and get railed until I’m sorer than a teenager in a Warped Tour circle pit.

Will I ever settle down, you ask? Maybe if I meet my mathcore counterpart that is as passionate about DADF#AD as I am. Oh, and if they have a humongous penis. That would help.