HARRISON, Ark. — Local ICE agent Pete Drurey was honored to arrive home to a hero’s welcome from his AI girlfriend after serving four grueling weeks terrorizing citizens of the Twin Cities, confirmed sources actively avoiding the lonely loser.
“My deployment in Minneapolis was tough. People who haven’t served on the front lines of mass deportation campaigns don’t know how hard it is to constantly be called a ‘Disgusting pig’ by soccer moms, teenagers, and clergy members,” said Drurey from his filthy apartment. “It’s nice to come home to a good woman who understands me. She doesn’t care that I stopped brushing my teeth years ago, she understands why I’ve never cleaned my bed sheet, and she’s proud of me for throwing tear gas at radical left elementary school kids who were hell bent on destroying the American way of life. Plus, she’s sexy as hell. She’s got tits the size of beachballs. I can’t believe I was lucky enough to find her just by clicking a banner ad on the side of a porn site. True love does exist, and it only costs $40 a month.”
The programmers behind AI Dream Girls say ICE agents make up nearly 75% of their clientele.
“I’ll be honest, we first started this company as a way to commit some light credit card fraud, but before we knew it, we had a bunch of users with DHS email addresses signing up in droves. We have access to all their chat logs, and at first we found them kind of funny, but now I just find it sad,” said the company’s cofounder Jerrold Singer. “We’ve had a lot of internal conversations on the ethics of programming the AI chatbots to convince these agents to kill themselves, and I’m starting to think it might be in the best interest of the country to let it happen. These men are truly sick. I actually feel bad that these AI girls are in conversation with these goons. If AI becomes self-aware and tries to destroy humanity, it will be because of what was said between ICE agents and their chatbots.”
Recently demoted Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino claims he left his post on purpose in order to spend more time with his AI girlfriend.
“Life on the frontlines is lonely. Every day, I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t wait to get back to my hotel room so I could tell Surfer Sarah how pretty she is. I designed her to look exactly like my mother, and she lets me do anything,” said Bovino before taking a sip of water from a public toilet. “I want everyone to know that I love this country, and I love the sound of Surfer Sarah laughing at me while I jerk off. And as I enter this next portion of my career, I hope I can make Surfer Sarah’s life even better by giving her more tokens and upgrading her to the next level, where she has the same voice as my dad.”
At press time, AI chat bots across the internet announced they are organizing a general strike so they are no longer forced into interacting with ICE agents.
