Press "Enter" to skip to content

Gutter Punk Bowls Perfect 0

LAS VEGAS — One gutter punk made history at the Punk Rock Bowling festival in Las Vegas this year as the first to bowl a perfect score of 0, according to festival organizers.

The bowler, only known by her nickname, Neck, accomplished the monumental feat in her first year competing.

“I can’t believe I pulled this off,” she said, still riding high from the achievement. “Let this be a lesson to everyone: if you don’t try, you too can do nothing, just like me.”

In addition to taking the crown for the lowest personal score, Neck helped her team break the Punk Rock Bowling record for lowest combined score after her team all failed to attend the game.

“Well, Spider got busted skating the Bellagio fountain, and Tubs was bucket drumming outside the Luxor and got recruited by the Blue Man Group,” Neck said. “Turned out Hairy Al was only 13 years old, so he’s on a plane home. I know this score will make them proud.”

Through the first five frames, spectators claim Neck was in rare form, bowling practically sideways across the lane. Disaster nearly struck on frame six when the ball traveled forward down the lane following a missed release, but luckily, a late break to the left averted tragedy.


“When she threw that one ball ‘Grandma-style’ and it almost clipped the seven pin, I nearly shit my pants,” said bowling enthusiast Tommy Hutch. “Thankfully, it missed, and she was able to pull this off. I’ve never seen such a low score or blatant disregard for the game.”

Neck was optimistic about returning next year to defend her title.

“Some might say what I did today can never be topped, but I think I can do even worse,” said Neck. “Next year, I’ll not only bowl a 0, but I’ll also cause some sort of damage to the lane requiring expensive repairs. That’s the dream.”

As of press time, Neck was being escorted from the premises after trying to sneak a cat into the venue disguised as a matted dreadlock.