NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Researchers from Yale University have announced a discovery they believe will revolutionize the assessment of a patient’s risk for developing degenerative conditions such as Alzheimer’s based solely on how much patients enjoy the Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo’ early in life, medical insiders report.
“We have compiled decades of data, going all the way back to that episode of ‘Full House’ where Uncle Jesse plays with the Beach Boys, and what we’re seeing is an undeniable correlation between earnestly enjoying the song ‘Kokomo’ and mental decline,” said Dr. Tobias Yu at a medical conference yesterday morning. “Our research clearly shows that patients who respond to the song with ‘Eww, what the fuck, turn this Mike Love garbage off and play the real Beach Boys’ had a significantly lower chance of developing Alzheimer’s than those who started tapping their toe a little and murmuring ‘Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya.”
Dr. Yu went on to elaborate on the details of his team’s discovery.
“It seems the earlier a patient enjoys that objectively terrible song, the bigger the risk for decline. If a patient in their 50s or 60s starts shuffling around singing ‘Come on pretty mamma,’ it seems to track with normal aging patterns. It’s gross, and embarrassing as all get out, but not really a cause for alarm. If someone in their 20s or 30s unironically puts it on a spotify playlist, however, they are basically doomed. Frankly, the ‘Kokomo’ test could prove to be the most effective diagnostic tool in our arsenal. Anyone under the age of 45 who wants to ‘get there fast and then take it slow’ should start taking preventative supplements immediately.”
While the majority of the brain research community hails Dr. Yu’s findings as groundbreaking and revolutionary, some prominent researchers believe the correlation to be false.
“We’ve looked at the same data, but our conclusions are vastly different from those of Dr. Yu,” said Dr. Madelin Bright, a Harvard University neurologist. “We’ve come to believe that the risk of mental decline actually increases with exposure to ‘Kokomo.’ Every play is basically like your brain smoking a cigarette. People who enjoy the song are simply being exposed to it more, and thus experiencing a more rapid mental deterioration. Dr Yu’s ‘test’ may simply be putting more patience at risk of exposure to this corrosive, awful song.”
When reached for comment, Mike Love craned his head around and asked if he was on stage yet.
