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Donald Trump Keeping An Eye On Mexican Pole Vaulting Team

RIO DE JANEIRO – Tensions mounted at the Olympics today, as Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump continued to insist on keeping heavy surveillance on the pole vaulters representing the nation of Mexico.

“Look, I just don’t trust these pole vaulters folks,” the former star of NBC’s The Apprentice said. “When Mexico sends track athletes to the Olympics, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending athletes that are on drugs, they’re criminals, and they’re rapists. I’m not the one saying this, it’s just what people are saying — everyone knows it. I don’t trust these guys one bit.”

Trump claims he has sent a team of investigators to monitor the members of the track and field squad, with a focus on measuring their maximum vault height. When asked about the situation, Trump’s son Eric defended his father.

“If my daddy said a thing, then that thing is a good thing,” said Trump’s eldest son, before turning his attention to slowly licking his golden lollipop.

This is merely the latest in a series of controversial decisions the GOP nominee has made over the last month. While the media declares his campaign all but dead, those in the Trump camp continue soldiering on, refusing to be dissuaded by data or popular opinion. Trump’s wife Melania issued a statement earlier this morning that has further confused those following the story.

“We can make a commitment to promote vegetables and fruits and whole grains on every part of every menu,” said the Slovenian former fashion model. “We can make portion sizes smaller and emphasize quality over quantity.”

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When given a chance to roll back on his controversial statements, Trump doubled down. “These pole vaulters are lazy,” he said. “A lot of people have been telling me that they started off as runners, but they had to use their sticks to get over the hurdles. They’re not Olympic heroes folks. They’re not. They’re not heroes because they use sticks. I like athletes that don’t use sticks — OK? If they think they are getting over my wall with those things they got another thing coming.”

When asked how he felt the Olympics could be improved, Trump replied, “I tell you what I’d like to see. What would really be nice is if Ivanka joined the beach volleyball team. I’d really love to see her out there.”

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