NEW ORLEANS — Local music venue Tipitina’s revealed that their lost and found is at maximum capacity thanks to an accumulation of unclaimed bassists, sources who couldn’t believe that happened again confirmed.
“I’d say we have more bassists here than we know what to do with. We need to clean it out and make way for additional bass players that will inevitably be left behind by future bands,” venue manager Terry DuBois stated. “We are calling on all acts who’ve played here in the last year to double-check to make sure they haven’t accidentally left part of their rhythm section behind. We also had one keyboardist in our lost and found, but he said he’d be fine getting a hotel for the night. This is not as bad as when members of Primus left Les Claypool behind here. That one seemed almost intentional.”
Upon receiving word of the announcement, dozens of bands were reportedly forced to suspend their touring schedule and return to the venue.
“Fuck! I knew we forgot something,” said Lauren Norman, lead vocalist of blues-rock outfit The Bereavers. “I can’t believe that I, of all people, made such a rookie mistake. I always go out of my way before we leave any gig to do the classic four-point check. You know, ‘phone, keys, wallet, bassist.’ I’ll call the venue to let them know we’re coming back to get him. His name is…um. Shit, I’m blanking here. Mark? Or Mike? One of those.”
The phenomenon of abandoning bassists at various venues is reportedly a common occurrence nationwide.
“I’ve seen it happen thousands of times,” said Anthony Haughton, an entrepreneur who owns and operates several venues throughout the region. “Usually the rest of the band pulls away without even noticing their absence in the van. It’s a real ‘Home Alone’ situation. Other times it’s metal bassists who get cut from the lineup after the rest of the band realizes that, rather than paying someone to double the guitarist’s part, they can just buy an octave pedal. If you’re the bass player, you gotta make yourself more valuable. My advice? Be the designated driver. Sure, you won’t be able to party after the show or anything, but at least you won’t get stuck at a VFW in Shreveport or something.”
At press time, the venue had reportedly emptied the lost and found, issuing an additional statement that bands looking to claim their bassist would need to contact the city’s waste management department.