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Venue Closed Due to Toxic Levels of Nostalgia

BROOKLYN — The Bowery Ballroom, one of New York’s most beloved venues, was unexpectedly shut down due to extremely high levels of toxic nostalgia in the air, according to government reports.

“We came in around in around 9 p.m. and there were already people headed for the doors, and many others unconscious inside. It was chaos,” said Firefighter Rick Andrews, who was first on the scene.

According to Andrews, high levels of nostalgia brought on by vintage T-shirts, photos from disposable cameras, and discussions about “the Myspace days” spread rapidly throughout the club, causing oxygen levels to become dangerously low.

“Rowdy fans and bands trashing the green room come with the job. But I never thought I’d see something like this,” said longtime bartender Alex Dresden as he stood outside the vacant venue which was once of genuine importance to some. “Once everyone started talking about how they saw Bear Vs. Shark back here in ’04, that’s when things got scary. I’m talking people hitting the floor, and not in a good way.”

Investigators on the scene reported that the constant use of phrases such as “God, it’s been so long — I used to see these guys at VFWs all the time,” “Those records defined me as a kid,” and “By the time I found out about these guys, they were done,” led to a nostalgia build up so dire it was a miracle nobody was severely injured.

“It all seems so innocent, but those well-meaning phrases could have been their downfall,” said Andrews as the club was being evacuated. “Sure, we all love to remember the music and TV shows that made us happy ‘back in the day,’ but people need to know that releasing that much nostalgia in a small, unventilated area can be deadly.”

With several bands currently on reunion tours or playing 20-year-old debut albums in their entirety, many venues throughout the country have had to upgrade their ventilation systems in order to prevent more incidents like this one. Some bands have even resorted to setting up their merch table outside the venue as a precaution.