Press "Enter" to skip to content

Touring Musician Checks How Many Euros He Can Get for $0

BERLIN — American singer/songwriter Perry Clements checked multiple outlets in Germany yesterday to see how many Euros he could receive in exchange for $0 during his solo multi-country tour of Europe, sources close to the confused musician confirmed.

“I just don’t get it, man,” said Clements. “Granted, I don’t have any American dollars on me, but… doesn’t my citizenship buy me anything? Come on. Even $0 has gotta be worth anywhere from €500 to €1,000. I keep telling people that I’m an American, but that doesn’t seem to help at all with these exchange counter stiffs.”

Manager Tilda Franke of Ich Bin Ein Berliner Currency Services was one of the first people Clements contacted.

“This was one of the most confusing and frustrating encounters we’ve ever had here,” noted Franke. “My staff and I spent 30 minutes trying to explain to [Clements] that he could not receive Euros for nothing in return. I tried using this app on my phone that helps my 3-year-old son learn math, but it only seemed to frustrate the man further.”

“I didn’t even mention that the American dollar is worth less than the Euro. I was afraid that might cause a… how you say? Brain aneurysm,” Franke added.

Clements admitted privately that his previous perception of day-to-day life in Europe was vastly different than reality.

“The last thing I really learned about Europe was the Black Plague, and how it killed, like, half the population of the continent. I guess I expected people here would still be eating bowls of gruel and dreaming of America,” said Clements. “I just hope I can get some money soon — I spent all of my Kickstarter money on plane tickets and duty-free cologne.”

At press time, Clements had finished his scheduled performance at a beer garden in Stuttgart and accepted €5 as payment after the promoter convinced him it was equal to $2,000.