Press "Enter" to skip to content

Touring Band Excited to Find Out Next Thing to Go Wrong

TOLEDO, Ohio — Touring punk band Pull Start are eagerly anticipating the next completely disastrous occurrence to befall them during the remainder of their five-week tour, exhausted and on-edge sources confirmed.

“Oh, man… you never know what the road is gonna bring, and this has been the craziest time yet,” said bass player Brandon Averill, who was using a borrowed cell phone to try to locate a bag left behind in a hotel room. “Love being on tour!”

Trouble for the group allegedly began on the third night, when their van was burglarized with thousands of dollars of gear stolen while they slept — which was only complicated by a seemingly successful crowdfunding campaign.

“We hit our goals in no time,” said Charles Fox, Pull Start’s singer. “But then we found out that someone stole our credit card info and used that to contribute to the GoFundMe… which is honestly just really fucked up. Like, seriously? I don’t even know how we’re gonna get them the rewards they earned with their donations.”

“Each twist and turn has been more gratifying than the last, but it’s all worth it to play to a room filled with tens of people,” agreed Averill. “I’m so fucking tired!”

As the band soldiers on, the group has been killing time between gigs by attempting to forecast what the next calamity to strike them may be.

“Oh, I know! Maybe we’ll be racing to a show as fast as we can, since no one told us it switched venues,” speculated bass player Cindy West. “And maybe we’ll hit some rain and jackknife the van and fuck up all of our merch… and then have absolutely no way of getting home. That’d be a neat one!”

“I hope we make a wrong turn in Detroit and I end up getting arrested for an old warrant at the Canadian border when all we’re trying to do is turn around,” added drummer Sid Sidney. “Then, while I’m in a holding cell, the Sheriff comes in and says I’m being charged with the murder of the mayor’s son, and that it will ‘be a cold day in hell before I sleep in my own bed again.’ That would be the one to beat, for sure.”

At press time, Pull Start were awaiting a flash flood sweeping their van away while they all try to shower at a local 24 Hour Fitness.