SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary musician Tom Waits spent over a minute clearing his throat to reveal a beautiful singing voice that was octaves higher and vibrating during a rare live performance last night, baffled sources confirmed.
“Well, I guess I never thought to hack all that nasty phlegm out of my throat. I just assumed that if it needed to happen, then it would have been done by something in this world that controls such things. The night of the show I was admiring a murder of crows flying towards the sun, their ineffable beauty inclined me to spit into the air, but my dry mouth made my neck evacuate itself,” said Waits wistfully. “Afterwards, I had the voice like the Vienna boys choir, it was startling but very transformative. I immediately belted out ‘Barbar’ Ann’ by The Beach Boys. And at my next show I may sing songs by this newer human, Bon Iver!”
Local Waits superfan Kevin Josephson described the performance of his favorite Waits song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up.”
“It was perplexing! His voice usually sounds like chewing gravel in a windy desert. But then all of a sudden it was angelic, pure, and sweet. When he sang the lyrics to ‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ I thought for a second at some point he was going to say it was because he was a Toys-R-Us kid,” mused Josephson. “He kept bringing up stuff about turkey vultures and donkeys between songs, but because his voice was so high it didn’t feel insightful—more like a kid saying the darndest thing.”
Medical consultants have recorded situations when small maladies affect large aspects of a band’s performance.
“Angus Young was one! For years, every time AC/DC played, everyone assumed he was doing a fun dance with his guitar. But it was a constantly inflamed ankle that caused him to bounce around, we cured it with orthopedic insoles and antibiotics,” said Dr.Kramer, local physician. “For years I would tell my colleagues that Tom Waits needed a lozenge, or in the very least a spritz of Chloraseptic. Heck, I’ve always wondered what the Smashing Pumpkins would sound like if Billy Corgan would use the neti pot I sent him.”
As of press time, Waits announced that he was recording a new album, but to the dismay of some fans, it will mostly be bird calls.