NASHVILLE — Pop megastar Taylor Swift announced her upcoming wedding tour will be a sprawling 151-date, 5-continent celebration and will prominently feature her fiancé Travis Kelce as an opening act, sources confirmed.
“Swifties get ready to cancel your plans for the next year, bank those PTO days, and take out a payday loan because you’re cordially invited to the wedding event of the century: Taylor Swift’s ‘In My Married Eras’ Tour!” announced a press release from Taylor Swift’s PR firm. “A love story like no other deserves the tour for the ages, and that’s why Taylor and Travis are traveling around the world sharing their love in a 3.5 hours wedding extravaganza that’s a retrospective tribute to each of their 24 months together and their corresponding dating “eras.” Who knows, maybe you’ll even catch the bouquet and be the next great Love Story?”
Fiancé Travis Kelce was stoked on the idea of the prolonged wedding tour.
“Hell yeah, this two-year wedding tour is the best idea Taylor has had since you invented singing and playing guitar at the same time! Oh, oh, we are going to do the wedding at Barcelona so we can watch those French guys get fucked up by the bulls, that’s going to be so sick,” shouted Kelce, pretending to be a bull as he charged into the refrigerator. “Oh shit, and we can get those scary New Zealand rugby guys to do the haka for us when we’re down under, and maybe if I’m real good I can dress up as a ninja for the wedding in Japan? This is gonna be the best 151 weddings ever!”
Climate scientists were less thrilled about the amount of CO2 the global travel would emit into the atmosphere.
“We estimate that the North American leg of the wedding tour alone will emit over 500,000 lbs of CO2, not to mention the emissions from the travel of her wedding guests, transportation of decorations and caterers, and the ecological defloration that will occur to supply flowers at each stop,” said Dr. Wendy Brodsky. “We fear that this event alone could finally tip our planet over into irreversible climate catastrophe and melt the ice caps for a millennia. And to make matters worse, the fucking Ticketmaster scalping bots already snapped up all the tickets within 200 miles of me!”
At press time, President Trump was threatening to block the wedding tour unless they paid him 10% of the proceeds to approve the Swift-Kelce merger.