EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers In” is even more enjoyable after 12 beers, confirmed sources.
“As the Midwest’s premiere academic institution, it’s an honor to be a part of this culture-defining discovery,” quipped Northwestern University researcher Sarah Planter. “I was born and raised in Peoria, so my friends and I grew up listening to American Football and Cap’n Jazz. We always knew midwest emo fucked, so we turned to science and Anheuser-Busch as a way of helping others enjoy the genre that shaped us. According to brainscans and magnetic imaging, we can conclude with certainty that one of midwest emo’s greatest hits gets even better the more fucked up you are. We encourage all readers of the study to try this at home for themselves. Don’t forget to drink irresponsibly.”
One of the study’s participants isn’t shocked by the findings.
“I’ve always suspected it sounded better the more hammered I got, so it’s cool the scientists were able to prove I’m not just imagining things,” said participant Brett Billings. “After the first few, I just started singing the chorus louder. Then after like eight, I started my own solo mosh pit. But after drinking the whole 12-pack, I started crying and wishing I had been a better partner to my ex. That was awesome. The study also helped me understand the song’s subtle artistry. Because when they sing about having two beers, it’s actually foreshadowing for having a shit ton of beers, and I think that’s beautiful.”
Other researchers are eager to weigh in.
“We’ve all heard anecdotal evidence surrounding the idea that substances can enhance a music listener’s experience. So from an empirical perspective, it’s truly incredible to have proof that these claims are true,” said Johns Hopkins professor Moira Dabney. “Back in the day, we used to just give hippies a few tabs of LSD, send them to a Phish concert, then ask them how it was afterwards. And while I’m ecstatic to read the study’s findings, I’ve learned that as a result, the school has pulled funding for a new study where we’d give cocaine to people at a Municipal Waste show. Which, speaking scientifically, is a total bummer.”
Since publishing, the study has met criticism from other researchers, where many have suggested that a dozen beers isn’t nearly enough to fully study its effects on the listener.
