WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is reportedly getting really into online porn in an effort to relieve stress related to the looming government shutdown, worried sources confirmed.
“Wow wee. Whew. Man, these last few weeks have been STRESS-FULL. These jokers in my caucus are tough to please let me tell you what,” said Johnson. “But I’m feeling good! Great even. Come to think of it, since I started using porn, I’m feeling relaxed for maybe the first time in my life. I think it’s changing me for the better. Golly, all these years I’d been fighting with myself and trying to suppress who I was as a person, you know? The shame was suffocating. But now that I’m on porn, brother, I’ve never felt more alive. You should really check some of it out yourself, it’s a lot of fun.”
Members of the Johnson family have grown increasingly concerned with Mr. Johnson’s more tempered views on pornography. The transition has been especially tough on his son, and former accountability buddy, Jack.
“He’s barely home anymore because he spends most of his time in D.C., but when he is, he’s a completely different person. He just hangs around all day in a bathrobe, drinking milk right out of the carton and staying up until all hours of the night,” said Jack. “He’s been talking really funny lately too. Calling me ‘little dude’ and mom ‘baby girl.’ I know his job is stressful but I can’t believe he’s thrown away his entire life for pornography. I want my old dad back!”
Chaz Garth, a representative for Brazzers, confirmed that most members of Congress, including Mr. Johnson, have. accounts with the porn site.
“Yes, Mr. Johnson is a very recent customer. He’s also among the nicest guys I’ve encountered in my thirty-plus years working in this industry,” said Garth. “A lot of the members of Congress who use our site call our customer service line and complain about it being blocked on their work computers. Mr. Johnson, however, called up last week and just earnestly said, ‘Thank you.’ He said the site has changed his life for the better and has started to allow him the space to work on himself and he really wants Abella Danger to visit the Capitol Building. It was a beautiful sentiment.”
“I wish Rand Paul was that nice when he called,” added Garth. “Dude is bothering us constantly!”
At press time, Speaker Johnson was settling in on his 2010 Dell Inspiron i560-4000NBK for a relaxing little J.O. sesh before heading to the House floor.