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Ska Pioneer Suffers Massive Upstroke

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Pioneering ska guitarist Anton “Stripes” Waller was hospitalized today after suffering a massive upstroke, several bummed out sources in suspenders reported.

“This is the biggest blow to the ska community since No Doubt went pop,” said Zack Schoedel, a longtime fan of Waller’s trailblazing ska band The Radiant Heaters. “Those records they put out on Moon in the ’80s helped me figure out just the kind of peculiar adult I wanted to be. This is a sad day for rude boys and girls everywhere.”

The upstroke occurred at Waller’s home, where he’d lived alone for several decades splitting time between playing records and writing a newsletter he incorrectly believed was being published. He was reportedly found by a neighbor who was coming over to thank him for not playing any ska music in the last few days.

“Paramedics came as fast as possible, but they had a little trouble finding it — his house is in the middle of the street,” claimed neighbor Natasha Pittman, who found Waller unresponsive. “It’s all just so sad. The EMT guy said an upstroke is a lot like a regular stroke; you just don’t hear about them as often, I guess — especially since they had that scary resurgence in the ’90s. I hope my new neighbor is cool.”

While Waller remains in critical condition, doctors reportedly informed loved ones they might want to start making end-of-life arrangements.

“The biggest tragedy in all of this is he never recorded a single track that wouldn’t be wildly inappropriate to play at any sort of remembrance service,” said former bandmate Doug Scott. “Wait… no. The biggest tragedy is the last text he sent me, which said, ‘Everything Went Numb.’ I thought it was some Streetlight Manifesto reference. Damn — I just realized that.”

If you are concerned about your likelihood of an upstroke, the American Medical Association lists several warning signs on its website, which include difficulty speaking, sudden dizziness, and everything starting to sound like The Toasters.