LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing for at least another year, disgusted sources confirmed.
“The man has performed with disease, a broken spine, nerve damage, partial vocal paralysis, and what I’m pretty sure was a demon possession,” said Osbourne with the stiff corpse of her husband propped beside her. “Compared to that, death is really just another logistical hurdle. I can work with this. It’s the ‘Diary of a Dead Man’ tour and we are going to do gigs at festivals, county fairs, and comic-cons. The man has an entire untalented family’s careers to support, he can’t stop now and he won’t.”
Others in Ozzy’s circle are upset by Sharon’s actions and feel Ozzy deserves to finally rest in peace.
“The last three tours were already 80% animatronic with a whole winch system we bought off that Spider-Man musical to keep Ozzy mobile,” longtime road manager Kevin Doyle explained while blocking Sharon’s phone calls. “The man paid his dues and it is time to let sleeping dogs lie. I know she is going to find some way to profit off of his death, but making his corpse continue to tour is not the way. I’ll be honest, with everything he has done to his body decomposition is going to set in fast. Can’t she just act like other dead musician’s families and release an AI remix of Ozzy’s dueting ‘Close My Eyes Forever’ with Dua Lipa or some shit?”
While Sharon is notorious for profiting off of an ailing Ozzy, this is nothing new in the music industry.
“Exploiting dead musicians is practically its own genre at this point. From posthumous album releases to hologram tours, there’s a long, proud tradition of wringing one last dollar out of someone who can no longer say no,” said music historian Naomi Stevens, author of The Business of a Dead Beat. “If a performer dies and the family doesn’t make a buck from it, did they ever really die? Not many people know this but Elvis actually died in 1972 and ‘Aloha from Hawaii’ was performed with the help of The Jim Henson Company.”
Due to backlash from the announcement, Sharon stated that all proceeds from the tour will go to the mysterious Osbourne Family Foundation charity.