RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.
“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”
According to official reports, the failed raid ended up being one of the bloodiest massacres in United States history.
“It was truly horrifying, the level of carnage on display,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Several ICE agents had their spines torn from their bodies and reinserted rectally. One agent was turned into a makeshift piñata, only instead of candy, GWAR filled his chest cavity with pornographic magazines and beer. Then two band members known as Jizmak Da Gusha and Beefcake the Mighty took turns beating the agent with their grotesque alien genitals until his corpse exploded, sending copies of Hustler and PBR flying everywhere.”
Meanwhile, prominent Democrat and vocal ICE opponent Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez defended the band’s actions.
“ICE is the modern Gestapo,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “They broke into the Slave Pit, with no warrant, and started trying to detain GWAR unlawfully. As far as I’m concerned, the band was acting in self-defense. Do I love that someone named Balsac the Jaws of Death stitched two ICE agents together using intestines and called it a human Catdog? No, of course not. But at the end of the day, no living being is ‘illegal’ and immigrants like GWAR only serve to enrich and strengthen our country — even if they are violent, drug-abusing space aliens.”
As of press time, the Department of Homeland Security was exploring other ways to deport GWAR, including deputizing the superhero ska collective The Aquabats in hopes that the group’s experience fighting monsters might give them an advantage against the violent Scumdoggians.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
