MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.
“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for four months,” said Josh Andersen, singer and guitarist for Slice. “When the scurvy set in, we tried treating it with a case of Fanta we found backstage. That didn’t work, but dripping blood from my gums while I sang absolutely fucked. Our limps looked great, too, because of how low we could hold our guitars. But then it got really hard to load the gear in and out. Everything hurt, and I could barely see to drive the van. So we decided to play super shitty to get people to throw fruit at us. I’d eat anything with vitamin C at this point, even one of those asshole Red Delicious apples.”
The plan has yet to work, according to an attendee of a recent show.
“If they have scurvy, I hope they never recover, because these are the best shows I’ve ever been to,” said Sue Lent, who follows Slice tours. “They all seemed sleepy on stage, and they played slow, but I loved the doomy twist on their songs. Josh spit blood everywhere when he sang. That was sick. The drummer broke an arm in the middle of a song, and this disgusting puss dribbled onto the kit, which was fucking awesome. The bassist threw up, and the sound guy slipped in the puke and hit his head real bad, so the entire venue sounded like a vivisection. It felt like a Gwar show. Yeah, some people in the crowd had lemons, but those were for cutting heroin, not throwing.”
Dr. Lex Ahituv, a pirate physician in Duluth, offered some recommendations.
“Due to the urgency of the situation, the band needs to bring the shitty factor into uncharted territory,” Dr. Ahituv said. “As far as throwing fruit, I recommend attendees aim for the face to maximize bioavailability. Cantaloupe, durian, and even peppers are ideal choices. Even rushing the stage and rubbing a handful of blueberries directly onto their skin could drastically improve their conditions.”
As of press time, Slice successfully elicited fruit from the audience, but only after passing out on stage midway through their second song of the set.