NEW YORK — The nation was in uproar last week when it was discovered that Rolling Stone’s list of 250 greatest guitarists failed to acknowledge the contributions of the guitar-playing battery-operated sunflower in sunglasses, irate sources confirmed.
“Look, I’m not saying Hendrix doesn’t deserve to be in the top 10, but that he made number one on this so-called ‘definitive’ list instead of the cool-looking sunflower in sunglasses you can get at vacation souvenir shops is a slap in the face of the entire artform. I mean, this thing isn’t just a guitar player, look at its dance moves! How it sways from side to side once you’ve waved your hand to set off its motion activation,” said rock historian Legs McNeil. “It’s the consummate performer, who paved the way for such other era-definers as the Big Mouth Billy Bass and Tropical Mambo Santa Claus. It’s not every legend that can be bought in the discount bin, but these guys make it look easy.”
Representatives from the publication addressed the omission, suggesting it may be rooted in personal vendetta.
“As one might surmise, rock stars aren’t typically the easiest interview subjects. And this goes triple for the battery-operated sunflower in sunglasses. I’m not sure if it’s a factory setting or what, but that little twerp has been dodging interviews with us since the mid-60s,” said Rolling Stone editor-in-chief Noah Shachtman, clearly pained at being made the bad guy. “Dozens of potential cover stories ruined because it would ‘forget’ to give itself fresh batteries. Sure, it may be punk rock, but it’s also just flat-out unprofessional. So yeah, it might shred circles around Jimmy Page or Chuck Berry, but its plastic ass can stay off my list and go on a trucker’s dashboard where it belongs.”
Owner of the Malibu souvenir shop “Sunshine Ray’s” Ray Alameda was quick to defend its top-selling item.
“There’s a reason the sunflower is a million-seller, and talent has everything to do with it. It’s the rightful topper to that rag’s list, take it from me. Case in point, my shop’s clientele is roughly 90% rock stars coming in to watch the master at work,” hacked a weathered Alameda, while stocking a huge shipment of snowglobes. “You think East Bay Ray could have come up with that three-second guitar solo on ‘Terminal Preppie’ without the help of that sunflower? Hell no! He was in here waving his hand in front of entire shelves of my stock for guidance. Jack White drags every Third Man artist in here before he records them, practically as a prerequisite course. I mean, this flower wields power, man…battery-power.”
At press time, the sunflower could not be reached for comment, as it was hard at work collaborating on a country-fusion album with a battery-operated cactus in a cowboy hat.