LONDON — The Rolling Stones’ venerable frontman insisted he’s as horny as ever during a press stop for their new album, according to nauseated reporters.
“Apparently there are some slanderous allegations floating around claiming my signature libido is diminishing now that I’m in my 80s. I’m here to assuage any fans’ fears and reiterate that I’m still the horniest bloke in any room I’m in,” boasted Jagger while thrusting his presumedly fragile pelvis toward the media pool. “Many geezers my age lose all interest in rutting, but not me. I’m two-thirds turgid at all times, mate—even my doctors are baffled. If any dubious birds want to find out for themselves, I’m staying in room 238 at the Hilton. You won’t have to ‘start me up’—I’m already halfway there, babe.”
At least one fan who spent some time with Jagger recently was left disappointed.
“I’m afraid it’s all bluster, at least in my personal experience,” said Mary Stevenson of Stratford-Upon-Avon, who managed to get backstage after a recent concert. “I tried to initiate snogging and he wasn’t having it. He wasn’t interested in me jubblies, me minge or nothing. Here’s this legendary rock star who sang of his sexual faculty for decades, innit? And all we wind up doing is sitting on the sofa in his dressing room watching Ted Lasso and eating takeaway curry. I wore me good knickers for nothing. Eventually he offered me a thousand quid if I promised to report that he gave me a night I’d never forget.”
Anti-aging influencer Gill Hermes says he has some tips in case Mick’s libido is indeed waning.
“He says he’s horny as hell, but rumors suggest otherwise,” said Hermes while blending a beef smoothie. “I could get him back up to speed, though. First I’d put him on the special geriatric blend of my MaxxJacked supplement line—it’s packed with male performance boosters like powdered rhino horn, bull semen and locally sourced adrenochrome. Then I’d teach him some focused Kegel exercises to get that pelvic floor nice and strong. Finally, we’d get him into a perineum sunning routine to boost natural testosterone. With my methods, he’ll be sporting major-league stiffies well into his 90s.”
At press time, Jagger had denied a video he released of himself lifting a kettlebell with his penis was AI-generated.
