JACKSON, Miss. — A Department of Sanitation report released early this morning stated that giant piles of garbage in passenger seats of messy cars across the U.S. are “totally cool to just shove on the floor,” accommodated sources confirmed.
“After researching a generous sample of the population, we’ve concluded that the messy stacks of past-due bills, old fast food bags, and programs from a little cousin’s piano recital the driver attended three years ago are absolutely fine to just push out of the way,” said Department spokesperson Abel Lapointe. “Once the trash has been shoved onto the floor, you’re free to just step on top of it with your feet.”
“You don’t even need to worry about crushing or ruining any materials now underneath your shoes — we’ve found the vast majority of drivers are cool with whatever,” he added.
In addition to the various waste products littering passenger seats of cars that “…aren’t usually this messy, sorry,” the department included coffee mugs half-filled with quarters, flannel shirts, empty cigarette boxes, loose CDs, and rubber-banded decks of Magic the Gathering cards as items perfectly fine to push onto the ground, to the delight of many.
“God, for years I’ve been getting rides to work from my neighbor and never knew how to handle the monumental amount of shit piled in his passenger seat before I got in,” said data entry clerk Dionne McDaniel. “To know that it’s acceptable to set my bags and my coffee down on the ground to shove a ton of junk mail and CVS receipts onto the floor of his disgusting car while he just watches and says ‘Don’t worry about it’ is such a relief.”
Vicksburg resident and local little brother Allen Richie added that, while sliding any and all refuse onto the floor is certainly “A-OK,” passengers are also invited to circumvent the problem altogether — especially if you aren’t going very far.
“Honestly, I don’t even know what most of that stuff is, so if you even wanna just sit on them, that’s totally fine too,” Richie said. “Whatever you want, dude.”