JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Jimmy Fetsar missed a child custody hearing because he was at a bail hearing stemming from a fistfight he instigated outside a Kid Rock concert, emotionally volatile sources confirmed.
“It wasn’t my fuckin’ fault!” yelled Fetsar, punching the drywall. “I was walking over to the Veterans Memorial Arena for the show, and I saw this soyboy libcuck in a pink t-shirt that literally said ‘Trump Is A Fascist.’ That commie fuckstain wore that shirt just to piss me the fuck off, so I whipped my beer at him. I was literally about to back-hand his uggo girlfriend, when I got jumped by cops who cuffed me and dragged me away. I was like, ‘What is this anti-violence woke shit? I thought I had free reign to attack dumbocrat liberals because Trump is president.’ Anyway, does anyone know the results of the custody hearing? I have a good feeling I won full custody, but I guess I’ll never know.”
Fetsar’s ex-wife Ann Blihofsky was disappointed, but not surprised, by his actions.
“My ex-husband is a petulant man-child, and it’s why I left him and why I’m seeking full custody,” explained Blihofsky. “He’ll go into a blinding rage over the mildest of perceived slights. Earlier this year, for example, he keyed a Prius because it had a ‘Trans Rights’ sticker on it. He got away with only a fine, so of course he didn’t learn anything. But I guess when your favorite musician has a bullet-laden meltdown over a Bud Light advertisement, and then drinks that same beer a couple months later, you’re pretty much wired to be an irrational psycho.”
Trial judge Ruth Jackson discussed this all-too-common aggression among Kid Rock fans.
“Boy, I’ve never seen such a puerile group of people in my 23 years on the bench,” asserted Jackson. “Several times per year my court gets a Kid Rock fan who’s yelled at a customer service representative for having to briefly wait, or smashed a pint glass on the bar because of a disagreement over the bill. It’s just performative ‘alpha’ males acting out with impotent rage because they can’t function when exposed to even a modicum of decency, and at some point you have to call them what they are: douchebags.”
At press time, Fetsar said that no matter what happens, he’s hoping that his son will still think of him as an American badass, just like his hero Kid Rock.
