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Robert Smith Gets off Roller Coaster With Perfectly Groomed Hair

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Cedar Point amusement park guests observed Cure frontman Robert Smith exiting the Millenium Force roller coaster with a head of hair that appeared to be immaculately groomed, sources who didn’t even recognize him afterward confirmed.

“It’s proper embarrassing isn’t it? Matted down hair with a side-part, it’s posh and awful, I feel sick just thinking about it,” Smith shamefully recounted. “Cedar Point has always been a white whale of sorts in all the places I want to do roller coasters at. Hopping on the chuff chuff of the world’s first giga coaster was a great love affair, only to be strewn into absolute loneliness through cruel humiliation. I couldn’t tell if my heart was fluttering from the night terror I was living or the exhilarating 4.5 G-force I had just experienced on the Millenium Force. I wonder if and how the people of Ohio could ever see me again.”

One employee will never forget the anomaly as a picture arrived at the rides photo-souvenir kiosk.

“I saw a guy throw up into another guy’s mouth on a loopty-loop once, man. That was still not as fucked up as seeing that goth hari fountain completely tamed by a ride,” said Joe Morgan, operator of the kiosk. “It didn’t even take the whole ride either, the pictures are taken halfway through. His hair looked brushed for hours, kind of like a pony. Most pictures are slightly blurry, sometimes people have that skin ripple thing from neck to forehead, one time I saw a guy completely unconscious after being whipped by his girlfriend’s braids. Robert looked absolutely still, oddly put together, kind of like an elementary school kid on picture day.”

Chaos theorist Malcom Ryan hypothesized how order might have been achieved from a long-enduring disorder.

“I believe as change began to occur the energy created white streaks into what I am calling the Limahl effect. From there I gather that the front stabilized down while the sides fiercely pushed back up as the synth transformation entered a Flock of Seagulls phase,” said Ryan. “There are a possibility of six different ways how the transformation completed, all we know in certainty is that it found a way. Long story short, the same thing once happened with the singer of Soul Asylum’s hair on a roller coaster. Very baffling.”

As this story broke it was also discovered that at some time in the early ‘80s David Byrne reportedly stepped off a carnival’s Gravitron ride with a perfectly tailored suit.